Thoughts Of You

        Its the middle of the night and I'm trying so hard to lose all the thoughts of you. I try so hard but I see each memory so clearly. Wrestling when we were still strangers, When you first said goodnight doll, Just your hands and never wanting them to let go of mine, how honey sweet your lips felt on me..                 And then I snap out of the dream and remember the nightmare. Thinking of your lips on hers and hers on yours. So many lies and too much hurt for my fragile heart to hold; and so I lay in my cold bed staring at the ceiling trying to lose the memories of you...            But my mind takes over and I cant help remembering the first time I love you fell from your lips, saying my first 6 F words to only you. 1st on our day of sin, 2nd “Im gunna F you so hard” ha, 3rd 4th 5th & 6th all when you broke my heart. Now I've said my 7th and it still had to do with you. Climbing into bed with you at the beach house, into your arms for a morning cuddle. Thinking of you falling asleep with my picture in your arms, the aquarium and holding hands thinking maybe everything could be okay again.                                        I roll over on my side and a tear falls out on my pillow. My hands are cold so I warm them with my breathe. Just thinking of how I get cold reminds me of you. Everything leads back to you. If I don't finish the last bite of my food and throw it in the sink, looking at my passenger seat imagining my shotgun rider, dreaming of going to Alaska or just even the usual places like Cali Vegas St George Mesquite or any place when I come home. I Still have all your things at my house on a shelf in my room. Things are getting better but your always lingering in a though somewhere in my head.
        How can you say you still love me or even loved me at all. You never really seemed to care. Your words mean nothing and your actions are shit. Despite how long and hard I tried to keep you in it, cant you see that you cant be in my life anymore? I had so much love to give and wasted it on you.
      I adored you.
                             At this point my throat starts to hurt cause of the pain of holding in the sadness and trying to be quiet as my roommates sleeps. Gasping for air in my pillow so I don't wake her up. I don't want her to hear my heart breaking.                        Thoughts still streaming through me, of the mascara I left on your white church shirt, Knowing everything was over but holding you for hours saying what we will miss about each other not ready to let go, driving away from you for the last time looking in the mirror to see you walk away.
                       I go through memories not able to decide if any of it was real or not. I imagine it was all fake so it doesn't hurt as bad. I tired so hard for us, now its past the point of no return and you’re the mess that ruined it all.
    I close my eyes as I hold my pillow tight, I finally fall asleep and get a break from the all the thoughts of you.

Sorry I don't feel like writing well today I am just going to write what I am thinking in a non creative way because I am too lazy and just want to vent, 

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just figure this out? Cant it just be I love yous and I love you toos? Why cant you try harder? Why do I have to be the one who puts all the effort in? Why are you so immature? Why do you hang out with the people you hang out with? You are so much better than them. Why can't you text me back? Why did you cheat on me, and with her? Really? Why can't you let me trust you? Why do I keep trying? Why do I love you so much? Why do I cry everytime I'm alone? Why are long distance relationships a thing? Why do I want you so bad? Why does every song, person, and place have to remind me of you somehow? Why can't I let you go? Why did we have to make so many amazing memories together? Why do I sometimes feel like your the one, even with how bad things have been between us lately? 

I have to decide today if we are going to work or not. Wether I let you go or keep trying. And my mind and heart are hurting too hard to figure this out. I can't imagine a life without you but you really suck right now. The thought of letting you go makes me so lonely. You are my first love and I am yours. Love makes people crazy. Love changes everything and I hate it. I really kind of hate love. Things are tough, love sucks, I've been sad,  but I still Love you.

Real Talk

Hello my name is scared as shit

see you tomorrow folks

I remember

I remember thinking birds and bees were just birds and bees

and screwing was a toolbox term.

I remember when your name use to come up on my phone. 

lying in that hotel room on the right bedside and you smelled of oak.

I remember my recess lady Mrs. O. She was so scary and always looked like a man.

I remember Breaking your heart.

You breaking mine. 

Crying so hard on that staircase. Longer and harder than ever. How embarrassing I cried that hard for you.

I remember the bear I got at therapy. I named him blueberry. We ate fries together and then I lost him. 

I remember Finding out your lies on that drunk night.

I remember making a line of boulders in the street so cars had to find a different street to drive down.

You hiding me for hours in your doll house, but making sure I was fed with plenty hot dogs before my babysitter found me.

I remember when I first heard you swear and I thought you were the devil. Now look at me. The 7th grade me would think I’m going to hell.

I remember being home alone so many times I forgot clothes were necessary in the outside world.

I remember the planets and pluto being my favorite. 

I remember hating scientists and their decision making of what planets weren't going to be planets anymore. 

Pluto should be a planet.

I remember Nora jones, Come away with me playing at her funeral viewing. Her face was like a porslin doll. I miss her. 

I remember losing you and losing that game and losing those really comfortable underwear, like who would steal my favorite underwear? messed up.

I remember being sorry.

I remember wanting to be remembered in this class at the beginning of the year, and maybe I will be by a few.

I remember the good and the bad and the in-between.

trustissues

 That blurry night months ago in the car in the drive way when I figured out all the little lies and secrets we could all hold inside was what gave me this disease

Maybe I got these trust issues some place else, like when you stuck your hand into my chest, pulled my heart out and buried it in the snow on that valentines day last february. It didn’t de-thaw til May

I don’t know how it came to be in me, 

but I don’t trust easy.

Neither do you

 Don’t deny

Trust is a struggle for everyone on the inside

Maybe you got the disease by eating a raisin cookie

expecting chocolate chips

I don’t know how it came to be in you

but you don’t trust easy 

you’ve got the disease too

This worlds been tearing at us for quite some time with its secrets and i’m giving in

I don’t trust any more because nothing can be trusted

My seams are starting to become undone and i’m unraveling at the thought of the world even trying to be honest

It doesn’t have to be a perfect place 

I just want it to be honest

Tell me the truth

Don’t cover it with flowers

and hugs 

and thats not trues 

and its fine just this onces 

and I love yous

The world whispers it’s secrets and as you grow up your hearing becomes better

the world hides lots of things from you and me

but soon enough 

we will find those secrets

we will hear those whispers

we will uncover those lies

to find what?

All I know is it left me incurable 

and I’m letting in

I just wont trust anymore

So thank you world for this disease

nothing can cure me now

a n y l a s t t h o u g h t s

Day and Night

Lyric Mash up

Step 1: Put your songs on shuffle

Step 2: Play your songs on shuffle

Step 3: Take A line from each song

Step 4: Put them together

Step 5: Give it a title

I don’t know who you think I am,

I grew up a screw up,

and you don’t even know yet.

The suns in the sky

So when you leave please don’t leave your love in the sun, my heart will melt away

you can’t deny your looking for the sunset.

Livin in that 21 century

Ill take my time we’ll be all night,

while i’m wide eyed and i’m so damn caught in the middle,

i’ll be looking at the stars all night thinking how I can I get away.