Thoughts Of You

        Its the middle of the night and I'm trying so hard to lose all the thoughts of you. I try so hard but I see each memory so clearly. Wrestling when we were still strangers, When you first said goodnight doll, Just your hands and never wanting them to let go of mine, how honey sweet your lips felt on me..                 And then I snap out of the dream and remember the nightmare. Thinking of your lips on hers and hers on yours. So many lies and too much hurt for my fragile heart to hold; and so I lay in my cold bed staring at the ceiling trying to lose the memories of you...            But my mind takes over and I cant help remembering the first time I love you fell from your lips, saying my first 6 F words to only you. 1st on our day of sin, 2nd “Im gunna F you so hard” ha, 3rd 4th 5th & 6th all when you broke my heart. Now I've said my 7th and it still had to do with you. Climbing into bed with you at the beach house, into your arms for a morning cuddle. Thinking of you falling asleep with my picture in your arms, the aquarium and holding hands thinking maybe everything could be okay again.                                        I roll over on my side and a tear falls out on my pillow. My hands are cold so I warm them with my breathe. Just thinking of how I get cold reminds me of you. Everything leads back to you. If I don't finish the last bite of my food and throw it in the sink, looking at my passenger seat imagining my shotgun rider, dreaming of going to Alaska or just even the usual places like Cali Vegas St George Mesquite or any place when I come home. I Still have all your things at my house on a shelf in my room. Things are getting better but your always lingering in a though somewhere in my head.
        How can you say you still love me or even loved me at all. You never really seemed to care. Your words mean nothing and your actions are shit. Despite how long and hard I tried to keep you in it, cant you see that you cant be in my life anymore? I had so much love to give and wasted it on you.
      I adored you.
                             At this point my throat starts to hurt cause of the pain of holding in the sadness and trying to be quiet as my roommates sleeps. Gasping for air in my pillow so I don't wake her up. I don't want her to hear my heart breaking.                        Thoughts still streaming through me, of the mascara I left on your white church shirt, Knowing everything was over but holding you for hours saying what we will miss about each other not ready to let go, driving away from you for the last time looking in the mirror to see you walk away.
                       I go through memories not able to decide if any of it was real or not. I imagine it was all fake so it doesn't hurt as bad. I tired so hard for us, now its past the point of no return and you’re the mess that ruined it all.
    I close my eyes as I hold my pillow tight, I finally fall asleep and get a break from the all the thoughts of you.

Sorry I don't feel like writing well today I am just going to write what I am thinking in a non creative way because I am too lazy and just want to vent, 

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just figure this out? Cant it just be I love yous and I love you toos? Why cant you try harder? Why do I have to be the one who puts all the effort in? Why are you so immature? Why do you hang out with the people you hang out with? You are so much better than them. Why can't you text me back? Why did you cheat on me, and with her? Really? Why can't you let me trust you? Why do I keep trying? Why do I love you so much? Why do I cry everytime I'm alone? Why are long distance relationships a thing? Why do I want you so bad? Why does every song, person, and place have to remind me of you somehow? Why can't I let you go? Why did we have to make so many amazing memories together? Why do I sometimes feel like your the one, even with how bad things have been between us lately? 

I have to decide today if we are going to work or not. Wether I let you go or keep trying. And my mind and heart are hurting too hard to figure this out. I can't imagine a life without you but you really suck right now. The thought of letting you go makes me so lonely. You are my first love and I am yours. Love makes people crazy. Love changes everything and I hate it. I really kind of hate love. Things are tough, love sucks, I've been sad,  but I still Love you.

Real Talk

Hello my name is scared as shit

see you tomorrow folks

I remember

I remember thinking birds and bees were just birds and bees

and screwing was a toolbox term.

I remember when your name use to come up on my phone. 

lying in that hotel room on the right bedside and you smelled of oak.

I remember my recess lady Mrs. O. She was so scary and always looked like a man.

I remember Breaking your heart.

You breaking mine. 

Crying so hard on that staircase. Longer and harder than ever. How embarrassing I cried that hard for you.

I remember the bear I got at therapy. I named him blueberry. We ate fries together and then I lost him. 

I remember Finding out your lies on that drunk night.

I remember making a line of boulders in the street so cars had to find a different street to drive down.

You hiding me for hours in your doll house, but making sure I was fed with plenty hot dogs before my babysitter found me.

I remember when I first heard you swear and I thought you were the devil. Now look at me. The 7th grade me would think I’m going to hell.

I remember being home alone so many times I forgot clothes were necessary in the outside world.

I remember the planets and pluto being my favorite. 

I remember hating scientists and their decision making of what planets weren't going to be planets anymore. 

Pluto should be a planet.

I remember Nora jones, Come away with me playing at her funeral viewing. Her face was like a porslin doll. I miss her. 

I remember losing you and losing that game and losing those really comfortable underwear, like who would steal my favorite underwear? messed up.

I remember being sorry.

I remember wanting to be remembered in this class at the beginning of the year, and maybe I will be by a few.

I remember the good and the bad and the in-between.

trustissues

 That blurry night months ago in the car in the drive way when I figured out all the little lies and secrets we could all hold inside was what gave me this disease

Maybe I got these trust issues some place else, like when you stuck your hand into my chest, pulled my heart out and buried it in the snow on that valentines day last february. It didn’t de-thaw til May

I don’t know how it came to be in me, 

but I don’t trust easy.

Neither do you

 Don’t deny

Trust is a struggle for everyone on the inside

Maybe you got the disease by eating a raisin cookie

expecting chocolate chips

I don’t know how it came to be in you

but you don’t trust easy 

you’ve got the disease too

This worlds been tearing at us for quite some time with its secrets and i’m giving in

I don’t trust any more because nothing can be trusted

My seams are starting to become undone and i’m unraveling at the thought of the world even trying to be honest

It doesn’t have to be a perfect place 

I just want it to be honest

Tell me the truth

Don’t cover it with flowers

and hugs 

and thats not trues 

and its fine just this onces 

and I love yous

The world whispers it’s secrets and as you grow up your hearing becomes better

the world hides lots of things from you and me

but soon enough 

we will find those secrets

we will hear those whispers

we will uncover those lies

to find what?

All I know is it left me incurable 

and I’m letting in

I just wont trust anymore

So thank you world for this disease

nothing can cure me now

a n y l a s t t h o u g h t s

Day and Night

Lyric Mash up

Step 1: Put your songs on shuffle

Step 2: Play your songs on shuffle

Step 3: Take A line from each song

Step 4: Put them together

Step 5: Give it a title

I don’t know who you think I am,

I grew up a screw up,

and you don’t even know yet.

The suns in the sky

So when you leave please don’t leave your love in the sun, my heart will melt away

you can’t deny your looking for the sunset.

Livin in that 21 century

Ill take my time we’ll be all night,

while i’m wide eyed and i’m so damn caught in the middle,

i’ll be looking at the stars all night thinking how I can I get away.

How to

1.  Don’t be basic 
2. Don’t be a bitch
3. Do cool shit
4. Stop swearing

For you

Only you will understand and that’s all that matters.

Damn it your good.

Good at making me laugh.

Good at knowing what to say.

Good at being sick. Which is bad.

Good at being strong.

Just Good.

Every day ill deny were growing farther apart.

Cause we freakin arn’t.

Different people will come and go from our lives but i’m still here and so are you. 

Say what you want but luna is the moon.

Say what you want but your a dreamer and reality can’t stop you.

Say what you want but your freaking hot.

Im so glad I don’t have to say goodbye to you just yet, 

but when we eventually do I’ll only say see you soon.

And you’ll say luna’s not the moon.

Opposite Day

Honest blogging = Lots of Lies

Or more so my confession to my lies.

1. Jenny Band, On my cheers blog post when I commented back to your comment and I said “cheers to you, and i’m actually holding a glass of orange juice up to the screen” .... I wasn’t. I was just trying to be creative. I don’t even think there was any orange juice in my fridge.
2. Yup I cheated on that test. and that one and that one. Sinner... 
3. Sister dear, I stole your clothes and was really sad that I couldn’t post an insta wearing it because I looked real good but then you would have noticed what I stole.
4. You did not look cute today.
5. That kiss was a little bit longer than I originally told you.
6. I cried a lot harder than I will ever tell you. 
7. I don’t actually know all the words to that song we listen to driving in the car. When I don’t know the lyrics I just turn away from you so it seems like I know them. 
8. I laughed when I saw your wedding invitation. Happy 5th birthday and congrats on getting married. *cough mormons cough*

Death Wish

Im gunna die

Warning Warning. This post isn't very interesting.

This isn’t for you it’s for me. You can read it if you want but its just what I want to happen when I die. 

If my body isn’t mangled then have a viewing.

At the viewing I want to have John mayer playing the whole time.

I can’t decide what clothes I want to be buried in yet, but a pretty cream lacy dress, my hair curled with daisy’s all around me and a flower crown with little pale pink flowers on a green viney stem with tiny white circular dot flower things too sounds good.. I hope that makes sense cause when i’m dead ill be really picky about what I look like.

Make sure there are pictures everywhere or a slide show or something. 

So here’s the thing I can’t decide if I want to be buried after the viewing so people can visit my grave or do I want to be burned to ashes so I can be turned into tiny diamond rings for my loved ones... yes that is possible, my mom’s going to do it.

If I am buried I want to go down in a wooden casket, sounds nice. 

There is a treasure chest on the desk in my room with notes from my best friends. Give those back to them.

Remember me.

Ill keep adding to this so when I die all you have to do is check out my blog and see my death wish.

Cheers

Cheers

Cheers for you and all the reasons you need to dull the pain. Sip away reality. Let yourself escape.

Raise a glass to all those who need some serious help.

Cheers to the girl who won’t talk to that boy she sits next to in english class because she’s too scared.

To the Blog that doesn’t have a comment.

To the slut who was really good at baseball terms.

Cheers to my vocabulary. 

To finding Egyptian pyramids on google earth.

To buying a monthly membership on club penguin for just $7.25.

Cheers to drunks trying to dull their pain, and Cheers to who they place their pain on. 

Cheers to Augustus Waters. 

To my cats love life. 

To pork chops and how they make me feel sad now. 

To that door step scene that went so bad I didn’t talk to you for a week, or two.

Cheers to pennies. 
To the boy I screwed over.

To organic Macaroni.

To the worm on the end of the hook wishing it were 10 feet under ground. 

To her corpse 10 feet under ground. 

Cheers to escaping reality, if that’s possible.

Just cheers damn it.

d e e p b r e a t h e s

To me. Just take a deep breath and let it go. Or just vent on you're blog. Either way, Let it go.

To my coach. You should have put me in the game you freaking idiot.

To both of you. I don’t think you were meant to be. How can you live a life being so unhappy? It makes all of us unhappy. 

You have scared me but hey at least i’m good at not letting things effect me.

To my dog. Why are you so stupid? Seriously running away in the middle of winter. You’re like 4 pounds so i’m sure you died out there. Rest In Peace though.

To my friends. You’re the best.

To my class. Sorry for not being a good writer and being annoyingly personal. I’m trying my best and I know we all are. I should probably read more. 

To Nelson. Umm you’re beard looks fuzzy and nice but I wonder what you’re supposed “booger shaped” birth mark looks like underneath it. Oh and just incase you haven’t heard it from every other student no one hates you’re class. It actually is the only think I look forward to all day.

To my bed. I think I might be in love with you.

To God. Im trying.

fly me to the moon

Fly me to the moon

Take me from this place. 

Where Good people are Bad. 

Feet are used for walking but not where I wish to be. 

Just floating. 

I don’t like blueberries so lingering on this planet seems pointless. 

I would much rather have some cheese and crackers. 

Ill pack some Rits if you fly me to the moon. 

Where it will be just you and I. 

No one to disturb us. 

No time to fight. 

Just space to hold our endless thoughts. 

It doesn’t matter up here that mommy doesn’t listen anymore cause we're not either. 

It doesn’t matter that they don’t like us because their down there and were up here. 

It doesn’t matter that you couldn’t. 

Cause now you can. 

Stars number for each possibility of a new life for us. 

And we're going to take each and every one. 

We're going to catch those stars and put them in our pockets and save them for the rainy days (if it ever did rain in space). 

Fly me to the moon and we will be infinite.

Procrastinator Hater

Sundays. The chill, easy going day of the week. Not anymore for 

procrastinators like me. Sunday night every freaking time. I always

think I have so much time through the week to post then all a sudden

it’s sunday night again. Don’t get me wrong Im a definite procrastinator

hater but folks, It’s a disease. Once you start you can’t stop without

 some serious help. I’ve been diagnosed with this horrible disease for a

couple years now, much like all of you, but it has been really hitting

me hard lately. Which means it's also hitting the quality of my writing.

 So this is to Mr. Nelson... 

Nelson It's not you, It's me.

cotton swabs

My damn bones wont tell me what to do.

 They stay hidden in me whispering through my body, not loud enough for my heart to hear. 

So my fragile heart does its best to listen to itself. 

The creaking floors whisper back to my bones with every step I take in the wrong direction. 

whispering about me, 

gossiping, 

making fun of the error of direction my life is heading. 

I wish I cleaned my ears out more, then maybe I could hear them, I just can’t stand cotton swabs. 

I mean seriously just even listen to that word. swabs. gross.

SPEAK UP BONES

SAY SOMETHING

but they never do. 

All I can hear are those whispers too distant and uncertain to be understood.

Just a thought

 I think I might be a terd with some cheese and bacon.

I w o n d e r

I wonder how many stars are out there.

I wonder if it's true that you can bite you're pinky off the same as you bite a carrot.

I wonder if a lot of your parents are like mine,

and if they are how are we all going to stay sane. There's no way.

I wonder what You are thinking choosing a life like that. 

I can help you. Let me help you.

I wonder if there really are mermaid.

And Merman...

I wonder when I will die. It could be tomorrow and in that case,

I wonder who would miss me, truly miss me. 

I wonder who already truly misses me.

I wonder what you say about me... Brat.

I wonder if I cut my skin open nothing will be there but a empty body like a book with no content. A life being wasted. What am I doing going home and watching netflix everyday. I guess I am a waste.

I wonder if one day the sun will just die and we will be left in the darkness. 

I wonder if I try to stop breathing right now if I really could.

Stop. Just do it. I dare you.

I wonder how many times I have blinked. 

3,236,947,348,004,136,999,544,021 ... Just a guess...

I wonder how many of you actually just read that number.

I wonder what is the point to any of this. 

Seriously just freaking tell me already.

I wonder.

I wonder - Rodriguez

Cats have 9 lives

 Everyone is scared of death, don’t deny it.

One second you’re here

and the next

you’re gone.

But hasn’t part of you already died?

The kid who didn’t know the secrets her parents hid from her is dead.

 The girl who just got her first kiss that was 2 seconds long and thought she was a slut is dead.

The kid in kindergarden that picked her nose and didn't care who saw is dead (thank heavens).

People say cats have 9 lives. I think humans are something like that too.

Parts of us die through out our life, and I think death is just another one of those parts fading away.

I may not know what I will look like, where I will be, or who I will be with 

but I have to have hope that I will BE. That there is more after this life. That heaven is real and he is real. That everything I have faith in is true.  

I hope you have faith too because thats all that is truly worth living for.

Lets Die Believers. 

Elizabeth