Thoughts Of You

        Its the middle of the night and I'm trying so hard to lose all the thoughts of you. I try so hard but I see each memory so clearly. Wrestling when we were still strangers, When you first said goodnight doll, Just your hands and never wanting them to let go of mine, how honey sweet your lips felt on me..                 And then I snap out of the dream and remember the nightmare. Thinking of your lips on hers and hers on yours. So many lies and too much hurt for my fragile heart to hold; and so I lay in my cold bed staring at the ceiling trying to lose the memories of you...            But my mind takes over and I cant help remembering the first time I love you fell from your lips, saying my first 6 F words to only you. 1st on our day of sin, 2nd “Im gunna F you so hard” ha, 3rd 4th 5th & 6th all when you broke my heart. Now I've said my 7th and it still had to do with you. Climbing into bed with you at the beach house, into your arms for a morning cuddle. Thinking of you falling asleep with my picture in your arms, the aquarium and holding hands thinking maybe everything could be okay again.                                        I roll over on my side and a tear falls out on my pillow. My hands are cold so I warm them with my breathe. Just thinking of how I get cold reminds me of you. Everything leads back to you. If I don't finish the last bite of my food and throw it in the sink, looking at my passenger seat imagining my shotgun rider, dreaming of going to Alaska or just even the usual places like Cali Vegas St George Mesquite or any place when I come home. I Still have all your things at my house on a shelf in my room. Things are getting better but your always lingering in a though somewhere in my head.
        How can you say you still love me or even loved me at all. You never really seemed to care. Your words mean nothing and your actions are shit. Despite how long and hard I tried to keep you in it, cant you see that you cant be in my life anymore? I had so much love to give and wasted it on you.
      I adored you.
                             At this point my throat starts to hurt cause of the pain of holding in the sadness and trying to be quiet as my roommates sleeps. Gasping for air in my pillow so I don't wake her up. I don't want her to hear my heart breaking.                        Thoughts still streaming through me, of the mascara I left on your white church shirt, Knowing everything was over but holding you for hours saying what we will miss about each other not ready to let go, driving away from you for the last time looking in the mirror to see you walk away.
                       I go through memories not able to decide if any of it was real or not. I imagine it was all fake so it doesn't hurt as bad. I tired so hard for us, now its past the point of no return and you’re the mess that ruined it all.
    I close my eyes as I hold my pillow tight, I finally fall asleep and get a break from the all the thoughts of you.